On our return drive from Calgary this weekend, Kim rented a canoe for us to paddle around Emerald Lake. This was the same lake we visited with Jordan in Easter, after all his chemo was completed. He was weak, but so happy to be freed from the hospital. Kim’s excitement to canoe with him around this exquisite spot, turned to surprise when we discovered that it was still frozen over and piled high with snow. Icicles hanging from the rafters of the lodge weren’t safe from Jordan's crutches, that he used like a sword. In fact, one crutch broke, and we just laughed. We were determined to celebrate and never entertained the possibility of revisiting the lake again without him.
Sometimes I just get tired of tearing up...my eyes swim, my head feels light and my heart physically aches. Later on, I just feel tired. But neither do I want to push away thoughts of my brave, beautiful boy. At times, it is still unbelievable that he won’t be coming in for a goodnight hug, or throwing open his arms to say “I love you Mom” or lean over to kiss me on the cheek. How can it seem like both forever and only yesterday that he left this earth? On the new earth, maybe we can return to Emerald Lake and experience it with only wonder and awe - thrilled that we don’t have to be separated ever again. I wonder who else will join us in the canoe? Or if we’ll just walk on the water. :-)