Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Nothing To Lose

This last week Kim has been struggling with a cold and I have had a deep cough and aches in my hips and legs.  The frustration of it has been profound for both of us.  The last year, we had only one day truly out of commission with bad colds.  The stabbing pains throughout my lower body only served as a constant reminder of the lack of comfort Jordan experienced during almost the whole of 2012.  For me, there was no position good enough, no distraction helpful enough, and the ability to relax almost non-existent.  No wonder that while Jordan was grateful for gifts and kindnesses, his consistent request was for healing prayer....for the suffering to end and to wake up just feeling normal.  My physical "suffering" this week was nothing compared to Jordan's but I still felt desperation to find relief. And it makes sense that the strangers I have met not only accept my requests to pray for them but are so appreciative.  I’m curious if there will come a time where seeing a person in pain or distress will not remind me of my son.  I can't seem to distance myself the way I once could - not that it is an obsession or heavy burden.  It just matters so much more now.  I believe it was CS Lewis who wrote A Grief Observed.  Ours was A Suffering Observed and I feel marked by it.

Kim said it best yesterday morning at breakfast, "It's as if we have nothing left to lose because we've already lost so much". In light of that, he is dreaming and starting to get excited about what is next. We have a blank sheet, loads of Holy Spirit unction and a little bit of clarity. Stay tuned.